Somewhere along the way, self-care stopped feeling caring

Your Monday Morning Happiness Prompt 🧡

A few weeks ago, I found myself scrolling past yet another post telling me that self-care was “non-negotiable”.

I’ve seen these posts for years. I probably wrote a few back in the day. But now they make me angry.

Not because I disagree with looking after ourselves. Quite the opposite. I spend a huge amount of my life encouraging women to take better care of themselves.

But there is something about the certainty of “NON NEGOTIABLE” that hits me hard, because if you’ve ever been a woman trying to navigate real life, you’ll know that sometimes almost everything needs to be negotiable.

The walk.

The meditation.

The healthy lunch.

The early night.

The yoga class.

The journal.

The supplements.

The eight glasses of water.

Sometimes life happens. Sometimes energy disappears. Sometimes you’re caring for other people, managing a household, navigating work, dealing with symptoms, carrying grief, processing change or simply trying to get through the week with a reasonable level of functioning.

And when self-care becomes another item on an already impossible list, something strange happens.

It stops feeling caring.

It starts feeling like another way to fail.

I think one of the saddest things I’ve witnessed over the years is how many women have turned wellbeing into a test they are constantly marking themselves against.

They know what they “should” be doing.

They know they should be exercising more.

Sleeping more.

Drinking more water.

Eating more vegetables.

Meditating.

Stretching.

Taking breaks.

Spending time outside.

The knowledge isn’t the problem - the pressure is! Because every missed walk becomes evidence that they’re not trying hard enough. Every takeaway becomes proof they’ve “fallen off track”. Every missed meditation becomes another thing to feel guilty about. And before long, the very practices that were supposed to support wellbeing have become tangled up with shame.

We don’t thrive under criticism

The irony, of course, is that the body rarely thrives under criticism.

Not emotionally.

Not hormonally.

Not energetically.

The nervous system doesn’t hear “I’m just trying to motivate myself” the nervous system hears “I am failing again.”

And that matters.

Because bodies soften when they feel safe.

They do not soften when they feel judged.

This is true whether the judgement comes from a boss, a parent, a partner, social media...

...or from ourselves.

Traditional Chinese Medicine has always fascinated me because it approaches wellbeing so differently.

It doesn’t ask a rose bush to flower in January.

It doesn’t expect spring energy in winter.

It doesn’t demand consistency from something that is naturally cyclical.

Everything moves through seasons.

Expansion and contraction.

Activity and rest.

Growth and restoration.

The body is no different.

And yet so many women expect themselves to show up with identical energy, motivation and capacity every single day of the year.

Regardless of hormones.

Regardless of sleep.

Regardless of stress.

Regardless of what life is actually asking of them.

No wonder we’re exhausted.

One of the biggest shifts I see in clinic happens when women stop asking:

“What’s wrong with me?”

And start asking:

“What do I need?”

The first question assumes failure.

The second creates curiosity.

And curiosity is infinitely kinder to the nervous system than criticism.

Self care as friendship

I often think about self-care as I think about friendship.

Imagine a friend telling you she’s had a difficult week.

She’s exhausted.

She’s emotional.

She’s overwhelmed.

Would you respond by listing everything she failed to do?

Would you tell her she’s fallen off the wagon?

Would you remind her she hasn’t been to the gym enough?

Probably not.

You’d likely offer compassion.

Understanding.

Perspective.

You might even make her a brew.

Yet so many women reserve a level of criticism for themselves that they would never dream of directing towards anyone they love.

And perhaps that’s where self-care has become confused.

We’ve mistaken discipline for care.

Performance for wellbeing.

Perfection for health.

When often the most caring thing we can do is meet ourselves where we actually are.

Not where we think we should be.

A gentle reframe

So if self-care has started feeling heavy lately, perhaps these gentle reframes might help.

Instead of “I need to get back on track” try “what would make today feel a little easier?”

Instead of “I’ve failed again” try “Today required something different from me.”

Instead of “I should be doing more” try “What am I already doing that deserves recognising?”

Instead of creating a perfect wellbeing routine, choose one supportive act.

Not five.

One.

A glass of water.

Ten minutes outside.

Going to bed half an hour earlier.

Putting your phone down.

Wearing something that makes you feel like yourself.

Tiny things done consistently are often far more healing than ambitious plans abandoned after three days.

And perhaps most importantly:

Stop beginning again from zero.

You are not a failed project that needs restarting every Monday.

You are a human being.

A cyclical, emotional, evolving human being.

You are allowed difficult weeks.

You are allowed inconsistent weeks.

You are allowed weeks where survival takes centre stage and wellbeing quietly waits its turn.

Nothing has gone wrong.

You haven’t ruined anything.

The path hasn’t disappeared.

A reflection for this week

If you have a notebook nearby, or even a few quiet minutes to yourself, I’d love you to sit with this question:

If self-care genuinely felt caring, what would it look like for me right now?

Not Instagram.

Not wellness culture.

Not what anyone else thinks you should be doing.

You.

Your life.

Your body.

Your season.

Your needs.

And then perhaps ask:

What is one small thing I can offer myself this week that feels supportive rather than demanding?

Not impressive.

Not transformational.

Just supportive.

Because happiness rarely grows in pressure.

It grows in kindness.

In permission.

In small moments of listening.

And sometimes the most radical act of self-care isn’t doing more.

It’s finally putting down the stick you’ve been using to beat yourself with.

A gentle next step

Inside The Lighter Way Collective, this is exactly the kind of work we explore together - understanding the nervous system, hormonal patterns, emotional load and body-held stress in a way that helps life feel calmer, softer and lighter.

Not through force.

But through regulation, understanding and reconnection.

If this piece resonated with you, the doors are gently opening.

You can find out more here.